6th of January, 2019. I ventured off into the unknown. I had my 65l REI pack and a small duffel that I had only brought to fit all my essential oils and other essential liquids in. I arrived to the airport at 10am, waited in a long queue for my plane ticket and then finally it was time to go through security. I gave my family hugs and kisses and my mother peeled my daughter from my arms. She screamed bloody murder as tears rolled down her soft pink cheeks. I turned and made my way up the escalator, I told myself not to look back but I did and to my surprise they were gone. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I got into the security check line, my heart racing, panicking thinking “I might miss this flight”. I told one of the workers and she put me to the front of the line. I took off my layers of sweaters and scarves, holding back more tears. So many emotions were running through my head but it was time to focus. I had no problem getting through security and as I slipped my pack back onto my shoulders I knew I had to hurry to the gate. I sprinted through the airport, of course my gate was at the complete opposite side of the airport. I had made it just in time, to my surprise we were directed to get onto a shuttle, it drove us out to our plane. My nerves kicked in as I got off the bus and walked up the steps onto the airplane. I was greeted by the most beautiful Chinese woman wearing blue scarves and painted red lips, they directed me to my seat. Once I sat down, it all sank in. “I am going to India, with no itinerary or plan, I don’t have any hotels or guest houses booked, I just left my baby for 2 whole months, what the hell am I doing?”. I shot out of my seat and grabbed my pack from the overhead been and frantically grabbed my CBD gummies, popped one in my mouth and zoned out in deep regret that I didn’t eat an edible before heading to the airport. As the plane took off I prayed that we would land safely and that my anxiety of flying would subside. The first 4 hours I ate some food and watched a couple movies, luckily the seat next to me was open so I was able to stretch out and the seat next to that was a sweet, tiny, older Philippine lady who had amazing energy and I was riddled with jealousy that she had slept the whole flight. After hour 7, I was a complete wreck, tired and restless, anxiously waiting to get off the big metal container that carried us through the sky. I wrote in my notebook intentions for my trip, I repeated mantras over and over in my head and eventually fell asleep for a couple hours but would wake up every now and then, heart racing and more terrifying thoughts going through my head. Hour 14 and we landed in China. I was ecstatic to be on land and rushed off the plane and onto the shuttle as fast as I could, the shuttle took what felt like 15 minutes to get to the gate and again I rushed off the shuttle and found my way to immigration, only to be met with a long line. At that point I didn’t care, I was just happy to be out of the sky. After doing fingerprints, photo and getting my passport stamped, I made my way to the exit to find my lovely family friends waiting for me. They took me into Shanghai, we went to my hotel to drop off my bags, spent some time together, enjoyed dinner and they soon had to leave. I went back to my hotel took a hot bath, watched Chinese television until odd hours of the night and finally slept, only for a few hours before the sun rose. At 6am I went down for breakfast and honestly I thought, “I’ve never seen a more beautiful buffet in my life”. There was every kind of food you could imagine, even sushi! Avocado rolls and exotic fruit for breakkie, I thought I was still dreaming. Such a shame, I didn’t eat much, my nerves and the exhaustion were really getting to me, I was dreading that I had to catch another plane in just 8 hours. My gratitude was at an all time high and I prayed to the Universe to again take away my fear of flying. I decided to leave the hotel and explore Shanghai for the day. As I walked down the cold city streets, I desperately wished I had brought a big warm jacket with me. I laughed to myself thinking about all the times I’ve overpacked for trips and the biggest trip of my life I had only brought a few outfits and one lightweight jacket. The looks I got were quite funny and I looked so out of place, everyone in their big puff jackets with fur trim and here I was in my kimono, one of the many I wear daily, a black maxi dress and cowboy boots, freezing my ass off as it started to sprinkle. It was only 8am and I must have walked a couple miles looking for a shop where I could find a cheap jacket, all the shops opened at 10 and I was nowhere near a discount store, I was near Zara and GAP and all name brand shops. I finally flagged down a taxi and used Google Translate to ask if he could take me somewhere to buy a low priced jacket. After about 15 minutes of him denying me, he finally told me he would take me. On the way he ended up getting pulled over by the police and getting fined for driving on the wrong road. Eventually we ended up in an underground market and he went around with me on my hunt. The whole time I used my translate app, not many people spoke English. After trying jackets on (they were all so tiny!!!) I finally found one that worked, it was ¥200 about $30 USD. I was still not happy about the price not knowing if I would even need the jacket in India or not, but was relieved to get some warmth. After all that, it was time to get my things from my hotel and drive back to the airport, by this time it was already 1pm. I’m not really sure where my day went but was an adventure with my taxi driver and although the language difference, we shared many laughs and were able to understand each other. He was sweet and gave me his WhatsApp number incase I needed a ride next time I was in China. I got to the airport, checked my duffel and they took me into an office and made me go through my bag. I was shocked that they confiscate all lighters, I flew there with 4 in my checked duffel, they took them all away. I went on my way, through security and explored the airport. I decided to get Starbucks, their menu items were adorable and I thought it was neat how they had very different items than the US. I ended up finding the smoking section in the airport and was stoked even through I was he only woman out there and everyone was staring at me like they’ve never seen a woman smoke before. I stayed out on the patio that almost resembled a jail yard and chain smoked until it was time to board. As I got in line to board the plane I decided it was probably a good idea to book a hotel for when I got into Delhi, my flight was arriving at 8pm and I wanted to make sure I could arrive somewhat stress free. I booked Hotel Classic Diplomat in Mahipalpur even though I had never no idea where it was in Delhi. I walked down to plane, got on, only to find myself in a middle seat in the middle section. As the plane took off I envied the girl to my left who was already sleeping and looked to the girl on my right and whispered, “I’m sorry for the next 8 hours, I really hate flying”, fear and embarrassment and tears all over my face. I cried and jumped out of my seat during turbulence and was an absolute nightmare having meltdowns every hour, I swear she wanted to get off the plane more than I did just from being next to me. After our meal she was much friendlier and told me the turbulence is normal and shared about some cool places to go in Delhi. I reflected on how I got to see two sunsets when flying to China. I thought about how flying is kind of like labor and childbirth. It’s long and exhausting and terrifying but at the end of it you get a beautiful reward and it was worth all the work and the fear. I thought about how I had to go get lost somewhere so that I could regain my soul. These things helped and once more I prayed over and over again asking for the Universe to teach me, to guide, to help me find my purpose, to give me lessons and answers, to help me heal from the pain of the past. Once the plane landed I was filled with so much peace but exhausted from not being able to sleep the whole flight. Once in the airport I literally got down and kissed the ground so grateful to arrive in India. After all it was my dream to go since childhood. I went straight to the smoking room again then made my way to immigration which was quick and easy, they checked my E-visa, stamped my passport and I was on my way. I went to exchange money and then headed out of the airport. Once outside I was in total shock, it was dark and dusty, not many woman were around, everyone was staring at me, I had absolutely no idea how to get a taxi and I looked down to find my phone at 5% battery. Again, I thought to myself “what the F am I doing?”, knowing I would probably ask myself that a handful of times before the answer would greet me.
I sat down on a bench, smoked a cig and called an Indian guy someone who I connected with online through our passion of music. I asked him to quickly explain how to get a cab as my phone was going to die, he told me how and I walked over to tower 5 and booked a pre-paid taxi. I read how to do it a million times online but when I got there everything I had read about navigating India kind of disappeared. I jumped into the taxi and headed to my hotel which was luckily only 7 minutes away from the airport. I made sure to leave my maps running as long as my phone would allow so I at least knew where I was going. My taxi driver asked me so many question and I was too tired to hold conversation, he asked where I was headed next and I told him Rishikesh and that I didn’t know when I would go or how long I would be there for, he dropped me at my hotel and they set me up with a nice quaint room that had a nice bathroom, I was grateful that they provide toilet paper as most places in India don’t use it. I had luckily brought some with me as well. I called my mom crying, overwhelmed, nervous, worried, scared, emotional, exhausted physically and mentally, I think I even said “I want to come home but too scared to go on a plane again”, I was homesick already and missing my babygirl. The Mom guilt kicked in. I felt so terrible being across the world without her. I felt selfish, “what if something happens to me, what if I don’t make it back, what kind of mom leaves her kid for two months”, she told me to give it a couple days and if I really wanted to come back that there would be no shame in it, she told me to get some food and to try to get some sleep. I was starving so I ordered Aloo Gobi and Garlic Naan, I ate only half because I got full quickly, was too tired and nervous, my stomach was in knots and I also worried about “Delhi Belly” (food poisoning) the thing everyone warns you about when going to India. It was freezing so I put every layer of clothing I had with me on and I cried myself to sleep. Hoping that “tomorrow will be a better day”.
Travel Diary of a Single Mama 